Good Mothers

I saw this on a support forum this morning for women that have endured losses while trying to have a baby. We’re still working on that (so no need to assume this has any deeper meaning than me simply sharing – it doesn’t). Many of you have found your way to my page by googling pregnancy loss, ectopics and struggling and if that happens to be you, first of all, I’m so very sorry and secondly, I hope this helps. For some reason fertility issues are not something widely discussed, meaning that when you are in the middle of your struggle, you feel even more isolated and alone. I’ve tried very hard to discuss what I went through, how it made me feel, and how I got through it both on this blog and in my real life. I hope to shed some light on the suffering so many women (and their significant others) go through.

And it’s not just to provide support of those suffering, but to those of you who never had to give a second thought to having a family. I hope that you become more sensitive and aware of the possible suffering and longing of those around you and alter your actions and words to be more thoughtful and compassionate.

One day it will happen. We will become mommas. We’ll have to get up at all hours of the night for feedings, we’ll be the ones cleaning up messy explosions, we’ll be disciplining our children and dealing with toddler tantrums in the middle of the grocery store. We’ll comfort our teenagers after their first break-up and cry when our babies graduate. One day… it will happen. And while the waiting is the hardest part, the disappointment, fear and frustration stinks pretty freakin’ bad too. So, until our day comes — I hope this eases the pain.. even just a little bit.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense: that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body.

I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and that life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

And so will you.

6 thoughts on “Good Mothers

  1. I haven’t shared a similar experience, though my heart aches for you. I hope you are left with only positive news and a perfect little baby whenever it happens.

    When I read “Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love” I thought I would share something sweet IF adoption is something that would ever happen. My mom is adopted with no knowledge of her birth parents; her mother was always open about the adoption and said she was unable to have children of her own – so she CHOSE my mom (and not “stuck” with her). Without that sounding awful… I also heard that adoption means “you grew in their heart, not their belly”

    You are so incredible strong, you’re outlook is far brighter than anyone elses I have met. I hope you miracle comes sooner, rather than later 🙂

  2. My heart aches for you. I’m so sorry you had to experience this, but I admire how strong you are. My friend was able to have her baby, but faces severe health issues, and her little boy is having a bone marrow transplant as I type. As you have, she decided to share her experience for others to grow and learn from. I normally hate sharing other blogs, but I hope you find in hers a kindred spirit. “” Having people I know going through such terrible pain has made me very aware of my own blessings. Thank you for having the courage to share and put your heart on your sleeve.

  3. This is heartwarming! This post puts into words what I guess many of us out there who are struggling with failed pregnancies feel.

    Your energy and attitude is truly inspiring. I wish you the best in your journey and hope we all see that light under the tunnel!

    Thanks for sharing.

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