Life is messy, hard and complicated. It’s not a shock to anyone that I’ve been going through a hard time lately. And I’m not going to sit here and tell you that life is great and we’ve done all this fun stuff, when that’s not the truth. I’ve always felt that writing down your feelings is an important part of healing, so consider this post just for me. Don’t feel the need to read it if makes you uncomfortable, as that is not my intention.
Everyone asks how I’m feeling since the surgery. You know, my body feels fine now – which is great! Yes, my energy levels are back to normal, I’m back at work full time, and I’m no longer in pain. Great, right? But, am I healed? No. Every single day has been hard. It’s been a constant battle to remind myself of everything that I have when my thoughts naturally drift back to what I’ve lost. Have no idea what I’m talking about? Read this post for some background.
I’m still struggling with questions that don’t have answers. Why did this happen to me? What would have happened if I didn’t go to the doctor that day? What would have happened if I didn’t wake up from surgery? What if it happens again? What if I can’t ever have my own kids?
Now that the holidays have roared around, it’s even harder. I’m supposed to feel happy. I’ve always loved everything about the holidays – the music, the lights, the decorations, the family time. Yet this year it’s hard for me smile and really feel like everything is going to be okay. I just don’t want to put on Christmas music and sing about life being great and shiny and bright when I don’t feel that way at all.
It’s normally such a magical time. In fact, everyone around me is still bubbling with excitement. People are sharing happy news with their friends and family. One too many times I’ve logged on to the dreaded facebook to see someone else I know telling everyone that they’re expecting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy for them and wish them the best, but honestly, it’s pouring salt into a fresh, open wound and mashing it down to keep it in place.
When you deal with a loss, you often find yourself reflecting on other hard times that you’ve experienced throughout your life. I’ve spent a lot of time looking back on losing my dad when I was only twenty and helping to care for him for 16 months before he lost his battle to cancer. Over the last four years, I’ve been able to look back on that time in my life and really, truly feel as if those hard times shaped me into who I am today. I didn’t have any regrets and knew that I spent as much time with my dad as possible. However, with this loss I can’t help but to feel angry all over again. Why do some people get to keep their parents long into adulthood? I’ve always felt jealous over girls who got to have that first dance at their wedding with their dad and whose dad got to walk them down the aisle. Now with kids in question, I feel hurt that not only my husband never got to meet my dad, but neither will our future kids. And to some people, those circumstances will never even cross their minds.
Why do some people experience so much loss while others don’t? Some people feel comfort in the idea that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. So does that mean that people who still have both of their parents and who had kids without even thinking about it just wouldn’t be able to deal with such devastation? That they would never be able to get past it? I don’t think so; people overcome situations every day and will always adapt and move forward. So again, why does it happen to some people and not others?
Dealing with such a thing causes issues in relationships as well. Not just with your spouse or partner, but with family and friends as well. One of you gets sad while one of you feels fine. The next minute the sad person is now fine while the person who was fine is now angry. You want to connect and spill all your feelings and worries, yet you don’t want to hurt or upset the other person. You constantly feel like you’re just missing each other every time you try to reach out. When other parts of your life begin to unravel, it’s a reminder of what happened each and every day. I will tell you though, we’re 100% dedicated to each other and completely commited to making one another happy – and really, that’s all that matters. Rough patches are just that — patches that need to be mended. And to have someone to share this painful journey with makes it less lonely and certainly more manageable.
I’m not complaining. I know that I have a lot of wonderful aspects of my life. I also realize that many people have it so much worse than I do. People go without food and shelter and here I am dealing with some “emotional issues.” I get it. Believe me, I do. It’s just – this is my life. And this is where I share my thoughts, for me. So, I’m obviously going to talk about things that are affecting me and currently this is just what’s going on.
I wish I could tell you that I’m fine and life is back to normal. Every time someone asks how I’m doing, it hurts to have to say that I’m feeling great. No one wants to deal with someone that is sad all the time. No one is going to keep asking how you’re doing when the answer is always: I feel lost. I know that so many of you care and wish that we were fine and happy. It hurts to have to tell you that we’re just not there yet. I’d rather lie and tell you I’m back to normal.
I also wish I could tell you that I was excited to jump back in saddle and try again for another kid. But, the reality is that I’m just scared. Scared that we’ll have the same outcome. Scared that it’ll never happen. Scared that the excitement of “oh my gosh, we’re pregnant – we’re going to have a baby” is gone and will always be replaced by fear.
I’ve never been a person to feel like people who seek help from a professional are weak, or that it means that something is wrong with you. It makes you stronger; it helps you grow and move forward. Instead of finding myself lost in my anger, sadness, and fear – I’m trying to find a way out of that mess. Each week I’ve been talking to a wonderful counselor who really understands what I’m going through and feeling. I get to talk about how I get angry when people tell me that I should feel lucky to be alive without thinking I’m going to hurt someone’s feelings or feel judged. I get recommendations as to how to deal with these feelings and to find peace when I feel trapped beneath them. People have found this site through going through something similar and if that’s how you got here, I strongly reccomend talking with a counselor – it’s helped sooo so much already.
So, I’ll get there. I am moving forward, maybe at a snail’s pace – but one day I’ll get there. For now I can only be thankful that I have a wonderful support system: a loving husband who goes out of his way to make me feel better and loves me even with my unpredictable mood swings, a family who would drop anything to come be by my side and friends who have been the perfect shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being there. Thank you for sharing your love with me. Thank you for your support during such a tough time. And thanks for not getting annoyed when I feel the need to talk about it… again. Or… at least not telling me that you’re annoying 🙂
I promise there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel.