Words by the wonderful Paul McCartney:
Maybe I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I’m amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you
Who’s in the middle of something
That he doesn’t really understand
Who could ever help me
Baby won’t you help me understand,Oooohh
Maybe I’m amazed at the way you’re with me all the time
Maybe I’m afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I’m amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I’m wrong
Maybe I’m amazed at the way I really need you
Alex left Tuesday afternoon. I was getting moderately sad for the days leading up to his leaving. Nothing could have prepared me for the feeling that hit me immediately after I drove away from him.
(Side Note: I’m only writing this now because I’m doing much better than I was then. If I tried to make an update Tuesday or Wednesday I would have broke down simply thinking about what I was going to say. I feel much stronger now, so please read this knowing that the worst has passed.)
After I dropped him off I was immediately hit with a wall of sadness. My heart felt as if it had been ripped out. Although I know he left at a good time, while we were infinitely happy and not angry or upset with each other, nothing could have prepared me. Logically I know we’ll be able to talk every now and then and he’ll be coming back — but I had a similar feeling as if we had broken up.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had numerous break ups in my life — but when you’re planning a wedding, the last thing you want to be taken back to is that feeling. The feeling where there’s a constant pit in your stomach, where looking at pictures of the two of you happy makes you burst into tears, and where you’re scared to go to bed at night just to wake up and realize your still alone.
I literally fell to the ground when I walking back into my apartment. Hunter has been so supportive during this time and has spent many hours curled up with his Momma. After picking myself off the floor and moving to the bed to continue my weeping I realized I couldn’t be alone for the rest of the day. My Maid of Honor, Rachel, came over and spent the evening with me. After I was drained of my tears we started with some wedding talk – which immediately brought a smile to my face. I ended up passing out of exhaustion and not even realizing I was in bed alone.
Everything wasn’t all smiles and candy though. After I woke up and got in the shower, that feeling hit me again. I ended up working myself up where I actually made myself sick. I spent a good majority of yesterday running to the bathroom. I made it to work though. I lasted until 2 in the afternoon. All my colleagues were aware of Alex leaving and of course wanted to know how I was holding up. I’m very thankful that they were being supportive, but simply taking about it all morning continuously made me upset.
I tried to continue my normal routine and go to the gym at lunch. Considering I hadn’t held down any food since lunch the day prior — it didn’t work out for me so well. I ran 1.5 miles before I felt like I was going to collapse. My body was literally shaking and slowed to a walk. By the time I got back to my desk I was so drained of the last of my energy, physically sick, mentally exhausted, and upset — there was no way I could stay the rest of the day. I went home around 2. My mom came over and Rachel arrived after she got off work. We picked out wedding colors and potential bridesmaid dresses. By the end of the night I was pretty peppy. My stomach was still upset but I managed to eat a piece of toast and a banana.
This morning I had to take anti-nausea medication, but am feeling much, much better. I haven’t even cried yet today! All I needed was to adjust to life alone. I know once I’m used to sleeping, eating, laughing, watching movies, taking the pup for a walk… and on.. and on… alone — I would be fine. I just have to get to that point.
I’m going to continue to listen to my body. I know that I have incredibly less energy than normal and feel it’s important not to push myself to any extremes. I will be taking it easy every day, but still getting in some exercise. Today I feel I may do some incline walking at lunch and maybe some light weights. I know I have plenty of time to get back in the swing of things, so I’m not going to rush myself.
If you’ve spent a large amount of time away from you’re significant other, how did you handle it? Do you have any advice for me?
I can only pray that Alex landed safely and has made it to his destination without any problems. The pup and I miss you dearly.